I'm sure you have heard it said by a parent or more likely from a grandparent, "I spoil my child (or grandchild) because I love them." I'm not sure those two things (spoil and love) go hand and hand all the time. The most important way that we are to demonstrate love toward our children should be to let them see our love. Love needs to take the form of action. Love needs to influence every instance of parenting.
Ryle states, "Love should be the silver thread that runs through all your conduct. Kindness, gentleness, long-suffering, patience, forbearance, sympathy, a willingness to enter into childish troubles, a readiness to take part in childish joys - these are the chords by which a child may be led most easily - these are the clues you must follow if you would find the way to his heart."
Often times our parenting turns out to be more like horse training than child training. What do I mean by that? Have you ever turned on the outdoor channel or even better RFD-TV (A 24-hour network with educational and informational programming targeting rural America. RFD TV focuses on rural news, events, and convention coverage, agricultural information and family-oriented programming)? You can see some amazing shows on RFD about training a horse. If you ever catch one of these shows you will notice that these expert horse trainers are very skilled at what they do. You may also notice that when they are training a horse ,the really good trainers are not there to show the horse whose boss. You wont see them trying to drag the horse around by its reigns or beating them into submission. Rather, you will see them drive the horse. They will drive the horse or encourage the horse in one direction or another. If a horse is "hell-bent" on not doing what the trainer wants it to do, the trainer will take all the time it needs to get the horse to perform a certain task. The trainer is never in a hurry, rarely gives up, and is always in the mode of steering the horse rather than "beating the horse into submission to do his will."
Child training is must like training a horse. Grown-ups and children alike are naturally resistant to stern and a severe manner of being dealt with. When a child feels that he or she is being dealt with in a stern or severe way they will react much like an unbroken horse - there might be some major bucking. If we approach child-training in this manner we will find that the child will shut the doors of their hearts and we will grow weary trying to make our way back through the door.
What's the alternative? How can you possibly get a child to listen or do what you ask when they are stubborn and shut-up?
Let them see that you love them! They must see that by your actions and your words that you desire above all else to make them happy. They must sense that your chief purpose is to do them good. They must sense that if you punish them, it is for their good. They must see that you are willing to do whatever it takes to care for them. Do this and they will be won to you. However, in doing this, it must be done in kindness. It must be done with affection if their affections are to be won.
If you are now convinced that your parenting has been more like beating a horse into submission rather than guiding and wooing the child in the direction that you want them to go, then you must not grow weary in well-doing. You cannot expect things to change all at once. It may take months, even years to change a stubborn heart. A child, or even a teenager lacks the wisdom and maturity to be able to change all at once. It will take time. It will take PATIENCE! Without patience, and prayerful obedience to the Lord, nothing good can be accomplished in the life of your child. It is always been helpful for me to remember what I was like when I was a child or teenager. (Wow!)
Again from Ryle, "Love is one grand secret of successful training. Anger and harshness may frighten, but they will not persuade the child that you are right; and if he sees you often out of temper, you will soon cease to have his respect."
As parents, one of our main responsibilities is to make sure that we are constantly in favor with our children. That they know that at any given moment you love them so much that you would die for them at the drop of a coin. They need to feel, see, and have that since of security in your love. On the contrary, it is a dangerous thing to have your child afraid of you and always responding out of fear. Fear smothers love. Fear smothers openness. Fear leads to bottled emotions and feelings. Fear leads to lies.
So may we be tender, may we be loving, and may we be patience as we "train our children in the way they should go."
